I hated the school’s Wedgie Police—two mean boys who believed the world revolved around wedgies. I mean, they really had wedgies down to a science, and they expected you to wear saggy pants with a double twisty atomic wedgie to top it off. If you didn’t meet their standards, you were in big trouble.
We’d nicknamed the two main culprits Scary Harry and Bruno Sabatini. They wore sagging pants that hung five inches below their waists and showed their boxers. Their hangout was the boys’ bathrooms where they harassed the innocent by enforcing “proper” wedgie etiquette.
One day I went in the restroom and, low and behold, the Wedgie Police went for me. “Hey, Chubby, why aren’t you sagging your pants and showing off your double twisty atomic wedgie?”
“I can’t hold them up long enough, dudes. They fall down.”
“Look, Chubby, if you can’t start sagging your pants like us, we’ll have to give you a yelling wedgie and a wet-willie.”
“I ran out of there as fast as I could, right into Principal Kakaa. “What’s going on, C.C.?”
I told him about them two, so they’d get caught before they did any more damage. He told me he’d look into it and headed for the restrooms.
Harry and Sam started running away, but their sagging pants dropped another five inches and caused them to stumble and fall all over themselves.
Ha, ha! I guess if you’re going to be a troublemaker, you shouldn’t wear saggy pants cause you’re going to be caught, lol!
Dreaming of the Raddest Wheels
After school, I thought about going back to the park like I did in the old times to recycle cans with my best friend, Jimmy, and my old man. We did this to raise money for new skateboarding equipment. That night I dreamt of a skateboard that zoomed first into a flaming jungle where I saw a fierce tiger’s eye and then into an alley where flaming bulls appeared.
Then I dreamt of skateboarding on a ramp after school with cool and trendy friends. Jimmy also dreamed about his skateboard and about turning into the most sought-after skateboarder at school, and maybe the entire universe.
When my dreams come true, the Wedgie Police will beg me to show them a few skateboarding tricks. That is, if they want to become a part of my cool crew. “Kiss my skateboard if you want me to be your master,” I’d demand.
A knock at the door wiped out my cool dream, and Jimmy’s face appeared. His backpack was stuffed with skateboarding gear.
“Wake up, dude. We have work to do!” he shouted.
“Jimmy, what are you doing? You know we can’t take our skateboards to school.”
“I know, dude. I’m emptying my gear here so we can fix our skateboards after school, plus I’m keeping my wheels inside my backpack for good luck, dude!”
“Good luck?” I wondered what Jimmy was up to.
“Wake up, dude! What planet are you on? We only have three more days before Halloween.”
“Sick, sick, just sick, man.” I pumped my fist in the air and bumped my chest against Jimmy’s chest. We both jumped in the air at the same time.
“Watch it man! I want to stay alive,” Jimmy shouted, as he rubbed his butt. I’m a big guy, and he’d taken a tumble after we bumped.
Then he explained his plan. “As I was saying, man, if I carry my skateboard gear to school, the day will end faster!”
“That’s a rad idea!” I agreed.